Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
