That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Randomize
