I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
