Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
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