Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
