apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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