i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
