I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
