i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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