OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just found a bag of teeth...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
