I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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