I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
