I wish you could order shots online.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
