im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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