My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
