Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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