Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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