i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
