Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
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