Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
