She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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