I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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