I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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