I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
