So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
