my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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