i would punch a child for taco bell
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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