Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
