I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
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She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
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after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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