I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Randomize
