The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
