dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
