my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
