I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
