My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
