Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
