Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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