i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Randomize