Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
