I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
