dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The air was thick with penises
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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