It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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