I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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