Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
