I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
