Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
