Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
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you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
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Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
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