I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
