Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
