I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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