my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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