listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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