if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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