just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Randomize
