You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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