Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
