i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
