Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
