Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize