Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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