Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
